residential care

I just couldn't let my folks move into assisted living right now.  They need 24 hour care and residential living is the best idea.  Mom doesn't understand and I'm grieving for her.  Intellectually I understand I cannot take care of them but emotionally I'm devastated.  I feel like I'm abandoning them.
I fear mom won't last long there before being moved to memory care unit and I fear the expense of having a parent in both units.  I feel like I'm letting both of them down; that I didn't try hard enough.
Why can't they come home?  Why can't things go on the way they were?  We can make it work.  It would assuage my guilt but my family and home life would suffer and, God,  I feel so selfish.  I can't stop crying this morning and I need to keep a brave face for mom.  I think I'm going to be sick.

Assisted living here we come

After hearing from the therapists at rehab, dad has decided on assisted living and let's do it NOW.  So Laurie and I spent the afternoon interviewing a few homes.  We like two of them, the best for them has no openings right now but we can get on the waiting list.  The second best is pretty darned good.  We'll leave it up to Dad to decide whether to move into the second one or wait and pay for in home care until the other opens up.  Then we start proceedings on selling the house.  But now we have a plan.  sorta.
Tomorrow we go see Dad with floor plans and cost estimates.  pray for us.

frenemies

Funny how sometimes the people who you most expect to fail you are the very people whom you are able to count on the most.  I'm talking about my siblings.  The brothers have all but bailed on us and my oldest sister and her husband are the ones really giving.  They are the ones going and visiting Dad almost every day and Richard going twice a day.  Rich is now going to explore elder attorneys to find out how to get mom on medicaid to help with home health care.  I can't even get hold of the brother I was most expecting (yet dreading) to get help from.  God does work mysteriously.  Even using those who completely reject him.  Funny.

Tuesday

Today was pantry day.  God, as usual, blessed me.  Four volunteers weren't there today and we were standing around just musing about how things were going to go when Jamie, a former volunteer popped in to help.  And we had a light day which was very surprising.
After a restful night, I awoke with more hope that the night before.  And more perspective on the mom and dad situation.  How nice to have a 48 hour break from the kind of stress I've been experiencing as of late.
I got to visit with Laurie.  Mom was a naughty girl for Laurie today but seems very calmed now and tired.  I expect her to go to bed early. And so will I.

home at last

Woke up this morning in my own bed.  Rough night sleeping.  The night sweats are returning with a vengeance and coupled with my mind racing about all things parent, it's difficult to get back to a sound sleep.  I'm working hard on not dwelling on the problem of parents while I am resting.  And although they creep into my thoughts during the daytime while I'm working around the house, the thoughts are more relaxed and flowing.  It is during this time that I can breathe deep and see the gift and let the rest of the noise of siblings go.  This is my life for the next few whiles.  We are working on getting some part time help when the need arises but Laurie and I will continue to be part time caregivers to our parents.  I will not worry nor will I dwell on the reasons, excuses, the lives of my siblings, I will accept their limitations just as I try to accept mine, and go about my life.
Today I will make bread and work on my banners.  All will be well.

Planting and hardening off

Spent a glorious night and day at home, planting anywhere I could find bare ground.  Then back to Mom's house.  nice evening.  Calm.  Dad's weird today.  They are giving him too much medication in my not so humble opinion and Barbie and I told his nurse to stop giving it to him.  I and he may live to regret this decision.  He was quite agitated this afternoon and the 'home' called and wanted someone to come back.  Ray, bless his heart, hadn't seen him yet today and volunteered to go in and see him while I stayed in the car, resting.
So I'm off parent duty until Tuesday evening after I put in a full day at the Pantry.  I'll be tired but it will be okay. It's calm there and I won't go see Dad until Wednesday morning.
My family members are making me the go to girl when it comes to making decisions.  I'm not any more qualified to make decisions than they are they just don't want to be left holding the bag.  Each day I find something I really dislike about one or more of them.  And dad?  yuk.  Demanding as ever but a prisoner at the same time.  Very hard to contend with.  Sympathy or tough love?  who can tell.
I'd rather be in my garden and that is exactly where I'm headed when I get home.

confrontation

There is a reason I avoid confrontation.  I always regret it.  I'd really rather accept the situation, offer it up, or let it go than go head to head with conflict.
I went against this firm stance yesterday and responded to my older sister's re neg on helping Mom overnight in a negative way in my email.  Now I regret sending it.  Really regret sending it.  She is a different woman than I am. Completely.  And I must not compare her and her life to mine.  For that I'm sorry and I will send her a not apologizing.

Routines

It's funny.  Not funny haha, funny hmmm (as we at home like to say). I'm settling into a routine here at Mom and Dad's.  Probably a better routine than I have at home.  It's much simpler anyway.  It's like when the kids were little.  My routine at home is much less concrete.  Sometimes I get Ray off to work and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I'm getting Ben off to school at 6 and sometimes at 8.  Sometimes the pantry starts at 8:30, sometimes at 10.  Sometimes Ray's home for supper, most night not.  Garrett comes by at all hours, Corinn's schedule is wonky.  No wonder I feel at loose ends all the time.  I don't know if I'm coming or going.  How do I put in an exercise routine when I don't know when I'm going to get to it?  This summer should be easier.  Maybe not.  but now that I've identified the funkiness of my life, maybe I can work with it. 
I go home today and am home 4 nights.  wow. 
I need to take pictures!

continuing shift

Sitting in the back room, once known as the art room when Mom still had her faculties and now it's the computer room.  Mom sits at her art table and scribbles in a notebook while I sit here and work. 
I'm feeling anxious tonight.  I'm not sure why, things are beginning to smooth out a little bit.  Mom's got a good routine, Dad's got most of his brain back and knows he's at rehab for a couple of weeks.  I forgot to email my pantry order and my friend emailed me to see how things were going.  Perhaps it's rehashing this stuff that's got me anxious.
I so long to be the woman I'm supposed to be.  I feel so unfulfilled.  I am envious of other women who use their talents in an easy going every day manner.  They make contentment look so easy.  I know that no one is completely content but I long to be a little more.  I seem to always be waiting for my life to start.  I know my life it strictly up to me, I just can't seem to figure out what to do. 
Life is just a little crazy right now and I am in a holding pattern to a point.  It won't stop raining so I cannot garden;  I'm here at Mom's or at the rehab center 4 days a week.  Soon it will be summer and I'll be hot and miserable.
I cannot plan anything for at least two weeks so I need to just breathe and take it easy. 

my shift

It's my 48 hr shift with Mom.  With the help of Harry at Qwest I got the wireless up and running here and can now happily do my internet crapola.  Laurie should be thrilled.  One of the main reasons we bought these netbooks was so we could work here without using Dad's computer and get out cooties and files all over it.
Mom's set up to read or color or scribble as she chooses and I'm free to do what I do.  I'm going to attempt to start the berries booklet for the mfpa.  I don't know if my programs on the mini will work.  We'll see.

I got into it with Dad a little bit today.  He's a very stubborn man and I'm really concerned he's going to be feeling better and try to move independently and get hurt.  I hate to disappoint him.  And with my stress levels, hot flashes, night sweats, and general lack of sleep, I'm getting emotional and almost cried a little today.  There just wasn't time to indulge in a good cry and my mom would have worried.  And if she didn't worry, that would really make me cry.
I thought about downloading a poker game program on this computer but I fear I wouldn't get it back from him. 

fatigue

Dad had a better day and I'm not angry at my siblings. They're doing what they can.  I cannot decide how much is enough.  And I have to let go my expectations.  I'm too tired to make good decisions anyway.  It's not physical fatigue so much (although I can't sleep on the bed over at moms), but emotional fatigue.  I'm numb and I want to stay that way for a few hours.  I can't think about Dad being there alone tonight or what he may or may not feel about being alone.  I have given all I can for right now.  Now I have to focus on getting my husband off to work for the week, work on the banners, get caught up on laundry, etc. etc.  Tomorrow will come soon enough.
It's so very early but I think I'm headed for the barn.  I'm up at O dark 30 to get Ray off so really it's bedtime now.  good.

being a daughter

I'm here at mom's for a 24 hour shift.  Mom is busy coloring in her colorbook and quite content.  The house is quiet and Dad is very obviously not here.
I am trying not to worry about him but it's quite difficult.  He's got some hallucinations from the anesthesia that make caring for him difficult.  He seemed quite well today but he'd had a bad night.  sigh.
I'm angry. 
I have come to realize that I do not like change.  not one bit.  Although I'd like to think I am an easy going, impulsive, changing creature, I realize I am not.  Perhaps I once was.  I like to control the changes, not have them sprung upon me to muddy up my life. 

Caregiver

For months now my sister and I have been helping my dad care for mom.  She has dementia.  My dad does the best he can but, being a man who has never had to "care" for anyone else and for the length of their 65 year marriage was cared for by mom, he's in unfamiliar territory.  It took us a couple of years to see just how much help he needed and we slowly started insinuating ourselves into their home, first cleaning it, then taking mom to get her hair washed and set, then bathing her, then helping out with meals. 
Dad has his way of doing things and it doesn't occur to him that they may not be the best way of doing things for mom.  For him, it's the most expedient way.
And he's tired.  He has is own health issues and not a lot of sympathy.  His sons are less than sympathetic because they don't like how he "treats" mom.  Guess they don't know that ol' walk a mile in my shoes thing.
Well, Wednesday morning, he slipped in mom's shit (she wasn't wearing her diaper) and fell and fractured his hip.  groovy.  Thursday surgery went very well. 
Sister stayed the night with Mom and we put together a schedule of 24 hour shifts for Mom until....
Brothers and older Sis are hell bent for leather to get in professional help 24/7 so sister and I can get on with out lives.  I'm fighting this but am not sure why.  I feel like we're betraying our parents.  So, they have the money to get help.  That's not the point.  My brother is living in statistic land.  No child can take care of their parents. It just doesn't work.  Being who I am and where I come from, my hackles are raised and I aim to prove him wrong.  At least until I can't do it any longer. 
Why are they so het up to not let us help?  Why can't they just leave us alone if they don't want to help?
I don't want to spend my next few months or years caring for old people.  I cannot fathom not helping as long as I can. 
I have the full support of my dear husband.  My children are grown.  I've always been a caregiver.  It's what I do.  And it's not forever.
I can't shake the feeling that they want to be as far away from this problem as possible and if sister and I are involved, they'll feel guilty for not helping?  Then they can go off and be mad and what....
I guess they don't know the feeling of helping someone who has always had your back, always loved you, always been there.  How can I abandon them?

pushing forward

I seem to always be pushing myself through water; that drag that tires you out so quickly.  maybe it's mud dragging my feet. 
I had a birthday last week.  perfectly uneventful and I'm not sure I like that.  Birthdays should be eventful.  or at least marked in someway.  I spent it working at the pantry and then took my son out to dinner.  My daughter gave me gifts which were lovely and I had many people wishing me happy birthday from the internet pages.  But I didn't mark the day in a way in which I wanted to.  I figured, no big deal; that I could make it up at some further date.  But the moment was lost.  but I digress.
I wanted to write about struggle and changes; and what I want to do. 
I want to concentrate on having more fun.  I don't have much fun.  I don't really even know what fun is anymore.  I enjoy reading, going to movies, gardening; solitary things; but I'm not a lot of fun to do things with.  And I want to discover that part of me.  I don't know how  to do this.
Being more adventurous.  but I'm alone so much.  I don't have friends who would do the stuff I want to do except laurie who lives too far away.  waaah.  more later.

RIP George

George was a good cat.  Brown, short hair Siamese.  He was about 4 years old and will be missed by all but especially Trouble.  She is absolutely heart broken.  I wish I knew how to help her.