end of year

The last day of the year.  I love the idea of starting over.  Renewing goals and ideas.  Striving to be a better human being.  I begin in November thinking about what I found utterly lacking in my life in the past year(s) and what I'd like to do to change or what I'd like to begin anew.  Like a new project; or learning something new.  One year I learned how to work with clay.  One year I learned karate.  This year I am still going through the throws of menopause and I'm an emotional wreck as well as being unwell.  In spite of this and because of this I pledge to be kinder to myself and take better care of myself. 
My parents are needing increasing amounts of help and I know I will be there at least as often as I have in the past year.  Extension is growing again and I know I will be involved in some way there also although I feel less inclined to spend a lot of time there.  I have neglected my home for so long that I no longer sense a rhythm here. 
I pledge to rebuild that rhythm.  To focus on simplifying and putting a better order to my home.  Shelves and cabinets are high on my list.  I will be more intelligent and less emotional about discarding some of my possessions.  I will clean out my closets and drawers.  And I will do these things with time and thoughtfulness; not hurrying to get it done and over with.  I need that emotional connection and disconnection to develop a peace in me.
I hope to stay on top of my projects; like gardening.  being proactive and buying the stuff I need before I need it.  or building the things I need before I need them.  Like wire cages for the tomatoes.  Like investing in the wire fencing for whatever reason. 
I have a couple of calligraphy projects; one that is a continuing one for the church; banners for the agnus dei (which I need to get going on the third installment) and a meditative project that I'm still working out in my hear using Corinthians 13.
I've been here long enough.  'til next year.

Focus

These are the days that test my sanity and peace.  From now until Christmas I will need to focus tightly on what needs to be done and do it instead of zoning out and retreating to the comfortable actions i usually take when I'm stressed out. 
Today I must 1. finish banner for church, 2. make flyers for bulletin, 3. pick up food from postal food drive, 4. make bread for the family, 5. make bread for the shower tomorrow, 6. call Bonnie and let her know I'm bringing bread, 7. clean my house 8. put up decorations.  I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it.

100% chance of precipitation

there's no such thing as 100 % chance of precipitation.  The weather forecasters should say, "It will rain today.  I can guarandamtee it."  It's the only time they can guarandamtee anything so why not just shout it out.  It's not like we can get any more depressed about it. 

Giving Tree

'tis the season for the Giving Tree project.  I've already logged in several hours on the computer designing the tags to be put onto the area trees.  Requests are trickling in and I hope to stay on top of it with my topnotch crew.  yea right.  My crew thinks this is just so much fun.  Perhaps I've been doing it too long because I don't think it's fun anymore and I am a little jaded when it comes to some of the families receiving gifts.  Sorry.  been around that block before.

Lifted up by a rose

My depression has lifted it seems.  It may have been the lovely rose elixir I took Thursday morning because by Friday morning I felt much better.  Perhaps it was the poster project for the Church  I developed using my calligraphy skills.  Maybe doing something creative lifted my spirits.  Perhaps the rose elixir released something so that I could do something creative.
I will be finished with the first installment by tonight.

depression hits hard

it's thanksgiving day.   the pies are ready, the rolls are raising, the others are just beginning to stir from their warm beds and I am so depressed I cry.  This has been slowly growing for a few weeks now and I feel it will soon overtake me and I'll be immobilized by it.  Stress?  hormones?  Weight?  Weather?  Time of Year?  Body aches? Absolutely.  Now, how to deal.

Just to be able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.  Wake up and the house was cleaned and sweet smelling.  No arguing, attitudes or selfishness.  I have so failed as a mother,.  My children cannot wait to get away from here.  They run from helping me and fight me when they are discomforted with my requests for help. 
I just want to hate them. 

My husband has quit drinking.  Excellent.  At first, I felt he had a handle on his anger.  It was so wonderful.  I felt I had a partner instead of a volcano.  Alas.  The volcano is back and erupting strong as ever.  I'm so tired of it.  Everyone is out to get him all the time.  Has it EVER occurred to him that just possibly his attitude could have something to do with his outlook and response?  Or am i missing something. 

My parents are old and need my help.  No one else helps with Mom.  I feel a little resentful while being grateful I am able to help her.  I'm also damned angry that her mind is gone.

God how I want to run and just keep running.

fair

I've been at the Fair all week running the food preservation department.  These hours have taken me away from giving my dad respite and taking my mom for the day, cleaning my house (omg it's dirty), watering faithfully in the garden, picking berries and herbs, reading up on my studies and eating right. 
What I have been doing is standing alot, walking a little, and eating bad food.  Yesterday, after discovering what chocolate does to my sinuses and suspecting wheat to do the very same thing, I've decided to once again become a localvore except on a much longer term basis and adding in the abstinence of wheat and chocolate.  I'm much too tired of being in the state I've been in for over a year and a half.  This must end and I must focus on everything I can do to improve my health. Two days of fair left and two other days of committments and I'll be back home for a few days to regroup and hopefully get something done to ease my soul.

fed up. again.

My husband is at his AA meeting.  I didn't think he was a alcoholic.  He drank whenever he was home and seldom to excess.  One or two beers a night.  But unless he was giving it up for Lent or for the year fast, he has always drunk.  He went with a friend who is definitely an alcoholic and he was so affected by the meeting he has continued to go, (the friend has not) and he has stated he is an alcoholic.
He's gone through a few weeks of being angry and fearful about not ever drinking again.  But now he's resigned and I think content at least outwardly.

I am a food aholic.  I do not know how to recover; to get well.  Diets are not get well programs.  I do not know what is good and what is not.  I don't feel I can believe anyone.  Each year the good food changes.  I guess I need to go with the food that never changes.  And does that mean never eating dessert or Mackie D's?  does that include home made french fries but not freezer fries?  I just really don't know.  I guess i have to really sit down and make up the rules for good.  No dessert?  Not even on birthdays? and special occasions?  No white bread?  how do I eat out?  do I protect myself at home and avoid fast food restaurants but allow the occasional "special circumstances"?

What does this mean for Chinese food I make at home?  It has sugar in it.  Is that okay?  I don't make it every week but I do make it a couple times per month.  I can eat brown rice with it. 
I'll continue this later.  i'm doing research right now.

teaching jelly making

Today I taught my daughter and my son (at different times; they don't get along well) to make jelly.  They are entering jellies among other items in the county fair.  Daughter made black currant jelly from my bc juice and son is in the process right now of making strawberry jelly from my strawberry juice.  A nice time was had by all.  Daughter didn't read directions well, depending on my memory, and we now have bc syrup.  Her second batch doesn't look much better right now.  I'm hoping  it thickens overnight. 
She also learned to make a pickling brine for refrigerator dills and filled three quart jars.  They'll be ready for testing in a couple of weeks.
The house smells divine and my heart is full. 

Eat Real Food

Today I want to begin an Eat Real Food Challenge to myself for one month.  This is a difficult thing to do as I am in town often and often during meal times.  I am also at Fair for 10 days this month with a lot of fair foods tempting me to the once per year imbibing.  Yet, for my health and well-being, I shall prevail.  I'm sure there is real food out there. 
Taking time to think about what is real food is the real challenge.  Being rested enough to think is another challenge. 
Realistically, I mostly eat real food; I just eat a lot of it and I do add ingredients like sugar and white flour.  I usually make my own bread, my own chinese food, mexican food, italian food, polish food, etc. etc.  But I do love a mocha frappacino from Starbucks.
So, nevermind.  But I want to challenge myself on something food related.  to eat more healthy?  hmmm,  i do eat pretty healthy.  to eat more veggies?  Yea.  I can get behind that.  to eat less sugar?  not so much in my diet except for adding it to sauces and of course deep dark chocolate.  But; I can add, no desserts not made with fruit?  And white flour.  sigh.  I do love homemade bread.  And I make great bread.  I will grind some wheat berries and make myself some wheat bread or sourdough rye.  My heathen family will continue to eat the white bread. 
Portion control!  there's a challenge if I've ever made one. 
so:  my challenge for August;
portion control
nix to white sugar and
white flour
more veggies

making decisions

talked to my daughter's boyfriend last night about making decisions and sticking to them.  Being true to yourself, respecting yourself enough to stick to you decisions in the midst of familiar disfunctional behavior; not compromising oneself to go with the flow.  Now, I don't smoke any longer.   I've made that decision.  I don't get drunk because I know it's disfunctional and I feel like crap later.  I've come to that decision.  I go to church each Sunday because I made that decision to live a more upright life.  These are just some of the decisions that I've made in my life that have truly benefited me and improved the quality of my life. 

Where am I going with this?  I haven't truly made the decision in my heart to stop eating disfunctionally yet.  I know I need to in order to improve my quality of life.  And I am making strides.  It's seductive just like alcohol and drugs are.  Just once more...
I have the added difficulty that I have to eat to stay alive;  I can't just quit like alcohol or drugs.  So, I have to learn to put food into perspective; make the decisions what are good, functional foods and what must be avoided; forever.  Forever is a long long time to forego potato chips, cheesecake, and icecream.  Is it reasonable?  Will I ever be able to eat those kinds of food and not slip back into bad behaviors?  I don't know.  I do know, like addicts, I must take one day at a time.  I stopped smoking that way.  I just put them away and decided if I ever really needed one, I could have one.  I just never really needed one bad enough to go back on my promise to my daughter.
Can I promise myself to eat functionally and not go back on that promise?  Yes.  Of course I can.  I just have to remember that promise when my friends/family/situations encourage me to do otherwise.  Good food is a gift.  Desserts are not evil.  Perspective is the word for the day. 
amen

it's not all about food

Seriously.  I'm finding that there's a lot more to life out there that doesn't involve eating. 

impatience

I am so sick of waiting for my computer to heal. It's been sent to wherever computers are sent to get fixed twice now and this time, I haven't been given any updates except some old emails from the dvd drive fix and the box being sent to pack the computer in. I'm a little concerned. I want my #@$%! computer back please.
I am learning my lesson about not spending so much time on it but it is hot and not much energy to do anything. I could be studying or something...

self expression

My sister and I visited over coffee yesterday sitting on the deck overlooking the lake.  Among some of the things we talked about were tattoos and the meaning behind them as well as the cosmetic consequences.  What symbol would be worth permanently imbedding into you skin.  She thought a dragonfly between her thumb and forefinger.  Dragonflies are beautiful and almost a christian symbol.  We also spoke of the accurate description of the zodiac signs and choosing that symbol to remind us of our strengths and weaknesses.  I like that idea.  I do not want a tattoo.  My "set in stone" decisions change too rapidly and instead of accepting that I have permanently placed something on my skin so I've decided to like it, I will continue to play with henna.  However, I will do so more often and with less fear of discovery by others.  I do not like explaining myself nor do I want to entertain what others may be thinking of me.  But that very thing has been keeping me from being myself.  I need to express myself damning the consequences.  Like me or dislike me, this is who I am.  People like me for the most part.  I am a nice person.  I am very fearful, however, not that anyone else would even begin to think I am.  Just as I am shy and no one thinks I am. 

awakening

I attended a funeral today for a young man whose mother is my friend.  I had the privilege of coordinating the funeral mass.  Fr. spoke about us awakening in our new life after death.  I find that thought so encouraging.  He spoke about no one knowing what happens after we die but our faith begs us to believe we will be with God.  That we will live again.  So, the awakening is so very appropriate to what we can look forward to.  I hope to awaken on the other side in a new wonderful place.

taking for granted

hubby is home this week and working around the house. We are usually apart from one another for 5 of the 7 days in each week. So, being home for 10 days straight is pushing around my toasters. I do not want to make his breakfast for him each morning. I do not want to wait for him to watch the guys fish while going on my morning walk. I want to be able to continue my life as normal since I am not on vacation.
I am taking him for granted. I am not loving him the way he needs to be loved, which is taking time out from my schedule to spend time with him, doing things like making meals and slowing down. Instead I am resenting his presence. I look forward to retirement years with a bit of trepidation. Can we spend that much time together without me shooting him?
I believe we've just grown apart, we have separate lives during the week and we will have to make those lives meld a bit. Adjustment will take time but I think I'm the one who is going to have to make the larger changes. I pray I can.
So, it's time to take time to spend more time with him now, making small adjustments here and there. Maybe it's the heat or menopause or both but I'm feeling less than charitable right now.

tripped over my groove

My computer was sent to the repair place for a week or so and I had the opportunity to see just how much time it takes away from my day.  I weeded, I planted, I watered, I read, I visited and I was still able to check my email twice a day using someone else's computer. 
Now it's back and I've spent a large portion of my day on the computer.  Granted I'm having to find all my bookmarks etc. and deal with one more technical problem that ate up a couple hours talking to india, but dang girl, I have better things to do.
Problem is, knowing I have better things to do and doing them as opposed to sitting here, well, there's trouble right here in river city folks.

I must resist.  I must go outside.

re do

Well, I began this page with the ranting of the famous swede. but I forgot to save so now I'm rewriting. A wretched thing, full of tears and warranted self-recrimination, I am being forced to really look at myself and the license I've given myself to behave the way I have been behaving. Discipline does not mean being so rigid I cannot breathe or move in the loose-jointed manner I desire to. My idea of discipline brings the thought of a nervous, uptight woman, closed in on herself, not allowing joy and spontaneity to flavor her life.

2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training:A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

There are many definitions for discipline. If I can look at it as this definition, I can see it being such a benefit and not as rigidity. It is a regimen that helps develop/train/improve.

Off to build a regimen that helps develop/train and improve.

directionless

Many thinking things to do.  Study herbs, plan out the floor plan for the fair displays, write letters to my sister and niece.  Cannot focus long enough on anything.  I'm being sytematically destroyed by the computer.  It is draining me of all my attention span leaving me unable to concentrate for any period of time.  I am waiting until I can watch tv online as I write this.  My garden is getting weedier by the minute but weeding makes me tired.  the only thing that does not make me tired is watching tv on the computer.  and eating.  what to do.  I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from this machine for any period of time.  must. force. myself. must. get. strong. must. survive. must. break. away. 

who's doing the talking?

I got the thought this morning that the actions I take to discipline myself, i.e., not eating junk food, walking, laying off computer/tv, praying more, taking my herbs, learning my herbs, cleaning, gardening, are actually essential not to me but to the universe.  The energy I radiate, negative or positive directly affect those in my circle. 
True?  I don't know.  sounds a little hokey but it also sounds reasonable.  God makes us responsible for each other; he also uses our prayers to help others.  these disciplines are prayers.  serious prayers.  They are driven by a need to be a better human being.  It's a visible sign of love and respect. 
So, when I abstain from eating potato chips for breakfast, I'm bringing strength to the man down the street who's drinking is threatening his marriage.  This is a little (way) more serious than just trying to lose weight. 

So, my question is, am I making this up or is it you, Lord, who are speaking these words to me?

I'm 53

Today I am 53 years old.  I begin another year on this earth and like many people make resolutions on January 1st, this is my new year.  I will not make a resolution to lose weight although I need to.  I will not make a resolution to exercise more, nor to get a new job, I'm quite content in my housewifeishness.  I will resolve to love better.  I resolve to remember to take care of myself however harsh that may be.  I resolve to remember I am a child of God and that I have the inherent traits of God;  I will remember to exercise my talents which are many to enjoy each day as the gift it is and especially the forgiveness that is always showered on me by his greatest gift. 
I'm spending part of my day with mom as it is Monday and I always take her to the hairdresser and lunch on Monday.  Today I'm going to be pampered a little and have my hair trimmed and styled.  I will feel so decadent.
I almost don't like being pampered in such an obvious way.  Draw no attention to myself and no one will see me judge me.  hmmm.  that sounds like I need to do some work on something psychological.  another day perhaps.  Today is my birthday.

preparing for lent

There's so much to work on and each year it seems to be similar to the last.  Obviously, it's deeper than an irritation. 
Eating very simply is one of my goals.  going to mass at least 3 times per week will be difficult but I think I can manage that for 40 days.  keeping a clean house and staying the hell off of this computer which I'll have time to do if I'm not sitting here all day long. 
I'm surprised to see how much time I spend here.  30 minutes goes by like 5 and two hours goes by like 15 minutes.  I can literally waste an entire day here and feel tired and ready for bed at the end of the day.  It seems to sap my energy.  I wonder if it's plugged into me instead of the wall and draining my energy reserves. 
I think it may be evil.

I'm reading "looking for mary" by beverly donofrio again.  I came upon this passage;
"It's easier to experience the sacred when the texture of daily life is so close to nature, when the air smells sweet and the silence is so deep."

I think this is what i'm looking for this lent. 

Sunday

Fr. Olsen spoke about forgiveness today.  He's an Eastern Rite Ukrainian priest preaching in a Roman Catholic world.  He spoke about how the Eucharist is receiving forgiveness and in the eastern rite the priest says before distributing the host that the"servant of God is about to receive Christ and receive salvation"  something like that.  good words.  It means the same in our rite but is much more eloquent and grounded.  We have much to learn from him.
I read in the Catholic Sentinel about the Benedictine sisters at Mount Angel.  They speak about the order of their days; the rhythm their life has.  That is what is missing in mine.  There is chaos and disorder even though I go about being productive it feels so disjointed. 

I want to find a rhythm for my days.  An order.  Prayer, exercise, meals, work, learning, relaxation.  Each day. 

down time

First day I've been home all day in a long time.  Stayed in bed this morning and finished my book, got caught up with my lesson on herbal terms, made sauerkraut soup and just relaxed around the house.  very soothing.
Tomorrow has the potential to be very like today but with some paperwork to finish and possible a bit of yard work. 
I am gone from home way to much for a non-working woman.  My tea cups are waiting for me to sit down with them for a a warm cup.

And so it begins

"A picture a day", my sister says.  So, okay.  Here's my picture for the day.  Perhaps I'll take another one tomorrow.  I realize it's the best way to get to know my camera.