Routines

It's funny.  Not funny haha, funny hmmm (as we at home like to say). I'm settling into a routine here at Mom and Dad's.  Probably a better routine than I have at home.  It's much simpler anyway.  It's like when the kids were little.  My routine at home is much less concrete.  Sometimes I get Ray off to work and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I'm getting Ben off to school at 6 and sometimes at 8.  Sometimes the pantry starts at 8:30, sometimes at 10.  Sometimes Ray's home for supper, most night not.  Garrett comes by at all hours, Corinn's schedule is wonky.  No wonder I feel at loose ends all the time.  I don't know if I'm coming or going.  How do I put in an exercise routine when I don't know when I'm going to get to it?  This summer should be easier.  Maybe not.  but now that I've identified the funkiness of my life, maybe I can work with it. 
I go home today and am home 4 nights.  wow. 
I need to take pictures!

continuing shift

Sitting in the back room, once known as the art room when Mom still had her faculties and now it's the computer room.  Mom sits at her art table and scribbles in a notebook while I sit here and work. 
I'm feeling anxious tonight.  I'm not sure why, things are beginning to smooth out a little bit.  Mom's got a good routine, Dad's got most of his brain back and knows he's at rehab for a couple of weeks.  I forgot to email my pantry order and my friend emailed me to see how things were going.  Perhaps it's rehashing this stuff that's got me anxious.
I so long to be the woman I'm supposed to be.  I feel so unfulfilled.  I am envious of other women who use their talents in an easy going every day manner.  They make contentment look so easy.  I know that no one is completely content but I long to be a little more.  I seem to always be waiting for my life to start.  I know my life it strictly up to me, I just can't seem to figure out what to do. 
Life is just a little crazy right now and I am in a holding pattern to a point.  It won't stop raining so I cannot garden;  I'm here at Mom's or at the rehab center 4 days a week.  Soon it will be summer and I'll be hot and miserable.
I cannot plan anything for at least two weeks so I need to just breathe and take it easy. 

my shift

It's my 48 hr shift with Mom.  With the help of Harry at Qwest I got the wireless up and running here and can now happily do my internet crapola.  Laurie should be thrilled.  One of the main reasons we bought these netbooks was so we could work here without using Dad's computer and get out cooties and files all over it.
Mom's set up to read or color or scribble as she chooses and I'm free to do what I do.  I'm going to attempt to start the berries booklet for the mfpa.  I don't know if my programs on the mini will work.  We'll see.

I got into it with Dad a little bit today.  He's a very stubborn man and I'm really concerned he's going to be feeling better and try to move independently and get hurt.  I hate to disappoint him.  And with my stress levels, hot flashes, night sweats, and general lack of sleep, I'm getting emotional and almost cried a little today.  There just wasn't time to indulge in a good cry and my mom would have worried.  And if she didn't worry, that would really make me cry.
I thought about downloading a poker game program on this computer but I fear I wouldn't get it back from him. 

fatigue

Dad had a better day and I'm not angry at my siblings. They're doing what they can.  I cannot decide how much is enough.  And I have to let go my expectations.  I'm too tired to make good decisions anyway.  It's not physical fatigue so much (although I can't sleep on the bed over at moms), but emotional fatigue.  I'm numb and I want to stay that way for a few hours.  I can't think about Dad being there alone tonight or what he may or may not feel about being alone.  I have given all I can for right now.  Now I have to focus on getting my husband off to work for the week, work on the banners, get caught up on laundry, etc. etc.  Tomorrow will come soon enough.
It's so very early but I think I'm headed for the barn.  I'm up at O dark 30 to get Ray off so really it's bedtime now.  good.

being a daughter

I'm here at mom's for a 24 hour shift.  Mom is busy coloring in her colorbook and quite content.  The house is quiet and Dad is very obviously not here.
I am trying not to worry about him but it's quite difficult.  He's got some hallucinations from the anesthesia that make caring for him difficult.  He seemed quite well today but he'd had a bad night.  sigh.
I'm angry. 
I have come to realize that I do not like change.  not one bit.  Although I'd like to think I am an easy going, impulsive, changing creature, I realize I am not.  Perhaps I once was.  I like to control the changes, not have them sprung upon me to muddy up my life. 

Caregiver

For months now my sister and I have been helping my dad care for mom.  She has dementia.  My dad does the best he can but, being a man who has never had to "care" for anyone else and for the length of their 65 year marriage was cared for by mom, he's in unfamiliar territory.  It took us a couple of years to see just how much help he needed and we slowly started insinuating ourselves into their home, first cleaning it, then taking mom to get her hair washed and set, then bathing her, then helping out with meals. 
Dad has his way of doing things and it doesn't occur to him that they may not be the best way of doing things for mom.  For him, it's the most expedient way.
And he's tired.  He has is own health issues and not a lot of sympathy.  His sons are less than sympathetic because they don't like how he "treats" mom.  Guess they don't know that ol' walk a mile in my shoes thing.
Well, Wednesday morning, he slipped in mom's shit (she wasn't wearing her diaper) and fell and fractured his hip.  groovy.  Thursday surgery went very well. 
Sister stayed the night with Mom and we put together a schedule of 24 hour shifts for Mom until....
Brothers and older Sis are hell bent for leather to get in professional help 24/7 so sister and I can get on with out lives.  I'm fighting this but am not sure why.  I feel like we're betraying our parents.  So, they have the money to get help.  That's not the point.  My brother is living in statistic land.  No child can take care of their parents. It just doesn't work.  Being who I am and where I come from, my hackles are raised and I aim to prove him wrong.  At least until I can't do it any longer. 
Why are they so het up to not let us help?  Why can't they just leave us alone if they don't want to help?
I don't want to spend my next few months or years caring for old people.  I cannot fathom not helping as long as I can. 
I have the full support of my dear husband.  My children are grown.  I've always been a caregiver.  It's what I do.  And it's not forever.
I can't shake the feeling that they want to be as far away from this problem as possible and if sister and I are involved, they'll feel guilty for not helping?  Then they can go off and be mad and what....
I guess they don't know the feeling of helping someone who has always had your back, always loved you, always been there.  How can I abandon them?

pushing forward

I seem to always be pushing myself through water; that drag that tires you out so quickly.  maybe it's mud dragging my feet. 
I had a birthday last week.  perfectly uneventful and I'm not sure I like that.  Birthdays should be eventful.  or at least marked in someway.  I spent it working at the pantry and then took my son out to dinner.  My daughter gave me gifts which were lovely and I had many people wishing me happy birthday from the internet pages.  But I didn't mark the day in a way in which I wanted to.  I figured, no big deal; that I could make it up at some further date.  But the moment was lost.  but I digress.
I wanted to write about struggle and changes; and what I want to do. 
I want to concentrate on having more fun.  I don't have much fun.  I don't really even know what fun is anymore.  I enjoy reading, going to movies, gardening; solitary things; but I'm not a lot of fun to do things with.  And I want to discover that part of me.  I don't know how  to do this.
Being more adventurous.  but I'm alone so much.  I don't have friends who would do the stuff I want to do except laurie who lives too far away.  waaah.  more later.