impatience

I am so sick of waiting for my computer to heal. It's been sent to wherever computers are sent to get fixed twice now and this time, I haven't been given any updates except some old emails from the dvd drive fix and the box being sent to pack the computer in. I'm a little concerned. I want my #@$%! computer back please.
I am learning my lesson about not spending so much time on it but it is hot and not much energy to do anything. I could be studying or something...

self expression

My sister and I visited over coffee yesterday sitting on the deck overlooking the lake.  Among some of the things we talked about were tattoos and the meaning behind them as well as the cosmetic consequences.  What symbol would be worth permanently imbedding into you skin.  She thought a dragonfly between her thumb and forefinger.  Dragonflies are beautiful and almost a christian symbol.  We also spoke of the accurate description of the zodiac signs and choosing that symbol to remind us of our strengths and weaknesses.  I like that idea.  I do not want a tattoo.  My "set in stone" decisions change too rapidly and instead of accepting that I have permanently placed something on my skin so I've decided to like it, I will continue to play with henna.  However, I will do so more often and with less fear of discovery by others.  I do not like explaining myself nor do I want to entertain what others may be thinking of me.  But that very thing has been keeping me from being myself.  I need to express myself damning the consequences.  Like me or dislike me, this is who I am.  People like me for the most part.  I am a nice person.  I am very fearful, however, not that anyone else would even begin to think I am.  Just as I am shy and no one thinks I am. 

awakening

I attended a funeral today for a young man whose mother is my friend.  I had the privilege of coordinating the funeral mass.  Fr. spoke about us awakening in our new life after death.  I find that thought so encouraging.  He spoke about no one knowing what happens after we die but our faith begs us to believe we will be with God.  That we will live again.  So, the awakening is so very appropriate to what we can look forward to.  I hope to awaken on the other side in a new wonderful place.

taking for granted

hubby is home this week and working around the house. We are usually apart from one another for 5 of the 7 days in each week. So, being home for 10 days straight is pushing around my toasters. I do not want to make his breakfast for him each morning. I do not want to wait for him to watch the guys fish while going on my morning walk. I want to be able to continue my life as normal since I am not on vacation.
I am taking him for granted. I am not loving him the way he needs to be loved, which is taking time out from my schedule to spend time with him, doing things like making meals and slowing down. Instead I am resenting his presence. I look forward to retirement years with a bit of trepidation. Can we spend that much time together without me shooting him?
I believe we've just grown apart, we have separate lives during the week and we will have to make those lives meld a bit. Adjustment will take time but I think I'm the one who is going to have to make the larger changes. I pray I can.
So, it's time to take time to spend more time with him now, making small adjustments here and there. Maybe it's the heat or menopause or both but I'm feeling less than charitable right now.

tripped over my groove

My computer was sent to the repair place for a week or so and I had the opportunity to see just how much time it takes away from my day.  I weeded, I planted, I watered, I read, I visited and I was still able to check my email twice a day using someone else's computer. 
Now it's back and I've spent a large portion of my day on the computer.  Granted I'm having to find all my bookmarks etc. and deal with one more technical problem that ate up a couple hours talking to india, but dang girl, I have better things to do.
Problem is, knowing I have better things to do and doing them as opposed to sitting here, well, there's trouble right here in river city folks.

I must resist.  I must go outside.

re do

Well, I began this page with the ranting of the famous swede. but I forgot to save so now I'm rewriting. A wretched thing, full of tears and warranted self-recrimination, I am being forced to really look at myself and the license I've given myself to behave the way I have been behaving. Discipline does not mean being so rigid I cannot breathe or move in the loose-jointed manner I desire to. My idea of discipline brings the thought of a nervous, uptight woman, closed in on herself, not allowing joy and spontaneity to flavor her life.

2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training:A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

There are many definitions for discipline. If I can look at it as this definition, I can see it being such a benefit and not as rigidity. It is a regimen that helps develop/train/improve.

Off to build a regimen that helps develop/train and improve.

directionless

Many thinking things to do.  Study herbs, plan out the floor plan for the fair displays, write letters to my sister and niece.  Cannot focus long enough on anything.  I'm being sytematically destroyed by the computer.  It is draining me of all my attention span leaving me unable to concentrate for any period of time.  I am waiting until I can watch tv online as I write this.  My garden is getting weedier by the minute but weeding makes me tired.  the only thing that does not make me tired is watching tv on the computer.  and eating.  what to do.  I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from this machine for any period of time.  must. force. myself. must. get. strong. must. survive. must. break. away.