end of year

The last day of the year.  I love the idea of starting over.  Renewing goals and ideas.  Striving to be a better human being.  I begin in November thinking about what I found utterly lacking in my life in the past year(s) and what I'd like to do to change or what I'd like to begin anew.  Like a new project; or learning something new.  One year I learned how to work with clay.  One year I learned karate.  This year I am still going through the throws of menopause and I'm an emotional wreck as well as being unwell.  In spite of this and because of this I pledge to be kinder to myself and take better care of myself. 
My parents are needing increasing amounts of help and I know I will be there at least as often as I have in the past year.  Extension is growing again and I know I will be involved in some way there also although I feel less inclined to spend a lot of time there.  I have neglected my home for so long that I no longer sense a rhythm here. 
I pledge to rebuild that rhythm.  To focus on simplifying and putting a better order to my home.  Shelves and cabinets are high on my list.  I will be more intelligent and less emotional about discarding some of my possessions.  I will clean out my closets and drawers.  And I will do these things with time and thoughtfulness; not hurrying to get it done and over with.  I need that emotional connection and disconnection to develop a peace in me.
I hope to stay on top of my projects; like gardening.  being proactive and buying the stuff I need before I need it.  or building the things I need before I need them.  Like wire cages for the tomatoes.  Like investing in the wire fencing for whatever reason. 
I have a couple of calligraphy projects; one that is a continuing one for the church; banners for the agnus dei (which I need to get going on the third installment) and a meditative project that I'm still working out in my hear using Corinthians 13.
I've been here long enough.  'til next year.

Focus

These are the days that test my sanity and peace.  From now until Christmas I will need to focus tightly on what needs to be done and do it instead of zoning out and retreating to the comfortable actions i usually take when I'm stressed out. 
Today I must 1. finish banner for church, 2. make flyers for bulletin, 3. pick up food from postal food drive, 4. make bread for the family, 5. make bread for the shower tomorrow, 6. call Bonnie and let her know I'm bringing bread, 7. clean my house 8. put up decorations.  I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it.

100% chance of precipitation

there's no such thing as 100 % chance of precipitation.  The weather forecasters should say, "It will rain today.  I can guarandamtee it."  It's the only time they can guarandamtee anything so why not just shout it out.  It's not like we can get any more depressed about it. 

Giving Tree

'tis the season for the Giving Tree project.  I've already logged in several hours on the computer designing the tags to be put onto the area trees.  Requests are trickling in and I hope to stay on top of it with my topnotch crew.  yea right.  My crew thinks this is just so much fun.  Perhaps I've been doing it too long because I don't think it's fun anymore and I am a little jaded when it comes to some of the families receiving gifts.  Sorry.  been around that block before.

Lifted up by a rose

My depression has lifted it seems.  It may have been the lovely rose elixir I took Thursday morning because by Friday morning I felt much better.  Perhaps it was the poster project for the Church  I developed using my calligraphy skills.  Maybe doing something creative lifted my spirits.  Perhaps the rose elixir released something so that I could do something creative.
I will be finished with the first installment by tonight.

depression hits hard

it's thanksgiving day.   the pies are ready, the rolls are raising, the others are just beginning to stir from their warm beds and I am so depressed I cry.  This has been slowly growing for a few weeks now and I feel it will soon overtake me and I'll be immobilized by it.  Stress?  hormones?  Weight?  Weather?  Time of Year?  Body aches? Absolutely.  Now, how to deal.

Just to be able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.  Wake up and the house was cleaned and sweet smelling.  No arguing, attitudes or selfishness.  I have so failed as a mother,.  My children cannot wait to get away from here.  They run from helping me and fight me when they are discomforted with my requests for help. 
I just want to hate them. 

My husband has quit drinking.  Excellent.  At first, I felt he had a handle on his anger.  It was so wonderful.  I felt I had a partner instead of a volcano.  Alas.  The volcano is back and erupting strong as ever.  I'm so tired of it.  Everyone is out to get him all the time.  Has it EVER occurred to him that just possibly his attitude could have something to do with his outlook and response?  Or am i missing something. 

My parents are old and need my help.  No one else helps with Mom.  I feel a little resentful while being grateful I am able to help her.  I'm also damned angry that her mind is gone.

God how I want to run and just keep running.

fair

I've been at the Fair all week running the food preservation department.  These hours have taken me away from giving my dad respite and taking my mom for the day, cleaning my house (omg it's dirty), watering faithfully in the garden, picking berries and herbs, reading up on my studies and eating right. 
What I have been doing is standing alot, walking a little, and eating bad food.  Yesterday, after discovering what chocolate does to my sinuses and suspecting wheat to do the very same thing, I've decided to once again become a localvore except on a much longer term basis and adding in the abstinence of wheat and chocolate.  I'm much too tired of being in the state I've been in for over a year and a half.  This must end and I must focus on everything I can do to improve my health. Two days of fair left and two other days of committments and I'll be back home for a few days to regroup and hopefully get something done to ease my soul.