being a daughter

I'm here at mom's for a 24 hour shift.  Mom is busy coloring in her colorbook and quite content.  The house is quiet and Dad is very obviously not here.
I am trying not to worry about him but it's quite difficult.  He's got some hallucinations from the anesthesia that make caring for him difficult.  He seemed quite well today but he'd had a bad night.  sigh.
I'm angry. 
I have come to realize that I do not like change.  not one bit.  Although I'd like to think I am an easy going, impulsive, changing creature, I realize I am not.  Perhaps I once was.  I like to control the changes, not have them sprung upon me to muddy up my life. 

Caregiver

For months now my sister and I have been helping my dad care for mom.  She has dementia.  My dad does the best he can but, being a man who has never had to "care" for anyone else and for the length of their 65 year marriage was cared for by mom, he's in unfamiliar territory.  It took us a couple of years to see just how much help he needed and we slowly started insinuating ourselves into their home, first cleaning it, then taking mom to get her hair washed and set, then bathing her, then helping out with meals. 
Dad has his way of doing things and it doesn't occur to him that they may not be the best way of doing things for mom.  For him, it's the most expedient way.
And he's tired.  He has is own health issues and not a lot of sympathy.  His sons are less than sympathetic because they don't like how he "treats" mom.  Guess they don't know that ol' walk a mile in my shoes thing.
Well, Wednesday morning, he slipped in mom's shit (she wasn't wearing her diaper) and fell and fractured his hip.  groovy.  Thursday surgery went very well. 
Sister stayed the night with Mom and we put together a schedule of 24 hour shifts for Mom until....
Brothers and older Sis are hell bent for leather to get in professional help 24/7 so sister and I can get on with out lives.  I'm fighting this but am not sure why.  I feel like we're betraying our parents.  So, they have the money to get help.  That's not the point.  My brother is living in statistic land.  No child can take care of their parents. It just doesn't work.  Being who I am and where I come from, my hackles are raised and I aim to prove him wrong.  At least until I can't do it any longer. 
Why are they so het up to not let us help?  Why can't they just leave us alone if they don't want to help?
I don't want to spend my next few months or years caring for old people.  I cannot fathom not helping as long as I can. 
I have the full support of my dear husband.  My children are grown.  I've always been a caregiver.  It's what I do.  And it's not forever.
I can't shake the feeling that they want to be as far away from this problem as possible and if sister and I are involved, they'll feel guilty for not helping?  Then they can go off and be mad and what....
I guess they don't know the feeling of helping someone who has always had your back, always loved you, always been there.  How can I abandon them?

pushing forward

I seem to always be pushing myself through water; that drag that tires you out so quickly.  maybe it's mud dragging my feet. 
I had a birthday last week.  perfectly uneventful and I'm not sure I like that.  Birthdays should be eventful.  or at least marked in someway.  I spent it working at the pantry and then took my son out to dinner.  My daughter gave me gifts which were lovely and I had many people wishing me happy birthday from the internet pages.  But I didn't mark the day in a way in which I wanted to.  I figured, no big deal; that I could make it up at some further date.  But the moment was lost.  but I digress.
I wanted to write about struggle and changes; and what I want to do. 
I want to concentrate on having more fun.  I don't have much fun.  I don't really even know what fun is anymore.  I enjoy reading, going to movies, gardening; solitary things; but I'm not a lot of fun to do things with.  And I want to discover that part of me.  I don't know how  to do this.
Being more adventurous.  but I'm alone so much.  I don't have friends who would do the stuff I want to do except laurie who lives too far away.  waaah.  more later.

RIP George

George was a good cat.  Brown, short hair Siamese.  He was about 4 years old and will be missed by all but especially Trouble.  She is absolutely heart broken.  I wish I knew how to help her. 

end of year

The last day of the year.  I love the idea of starting over.  Renewing goals and ideas.  Striving to be a better human being.  I begin in November thinking about what I found utterly lacking in my life in the past year(s) and what I'd like to do to change or what I'd like to begin anew.  Like a new project; or learning something new.  One year I learned how to work with clay.  One year I learned karate.  This year I am still going through the throws of menopause and I'm an emotional wreck as well as being unwell.  In spite of this and because of this I pledge to be kinder to myself and take better care of myself. 
My parents are needing increasing amounts of help and I know I will be there at least as often as I have in the past year.  Extension is growing again and I know I will be involved in some way there also although I feel less inclined to spend a lot of time there.  I have neglected my home for so long that I no longer sense a rhythm here. 
I pledge to rebuild that rhythm.  To focus on simplifying and putting a better order to my home.  Shelves and cabinets are high on my list.  I will be more intelligent and less emotional about discarding some of my possessions.  I will clean out my closets and drawers.  And I will do these things with time and thoughtfulness; not hurrying to get it done and over with.  I need that emotional connection and disconnection to develop a peace in me.
I hope to stay on top of my projects; like gardening.  being proactive and buying the stuff I need before I need it.  or building the things I need before I need them.  Like wire cages for the tomatoes.  Like investing in the wire fencing for whatever reason. 
I have a couple of calligraphy projects; one that is a continuing one for the church; banners for the agnus dei (which I need to get going on the third installment) and a meditative project that I'm still working out in my hear using Corinthians 13.
I've been here long enough.  'til next year.

Focus

These are the days that test my sanity and peace.  From now until Christmas I will need to focus tightly on what needs to be done and do it instead of zoning out and retreating to the comfortable actions i usually take when I'm stressed out. 
Today I must 1. finish banner for church, 2. make flyers for bulletin, 3. pick up food from postal food drive, 4. make bread for the family, 5. make bread for the shower tomorrow, 6. call Bonnie and let her know I'm bringing bread, 7. clean my house 8. put up decorations.  I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it.

100% chance of precipitation

there's no such thing as 100 % chance of precipitation.  The weather forecasters should say, "It will rain today.  I can guarandamtee it."  It's the only time they can guarandamtee anything so why not just shout it out.  It's not like we can get any more depressed about it.